So I am a mess tonight. And I’m going to write about it. I have got to get back to this both for myself and others.
For me, there is nothing as relieving or as productive as getting all this stuff out of my head and onto paper (cyber paper in most cases). When I write, I process, and as I write and process, things begin to make sense and become clearer. I get encouraged and inspired to deal with things or just hang in there and keep going. It’s just a good process for me.
For others, (apparently), my honestly is encouraging. Apparently God speaks through that. I think when we hear honestly from others we are reminded that we are not alone and we are not the only ones dealing with a certain thing, and again, that encourages and inspires us to hang in there and keep going.
So we all have those seasons that are extra hard. We all have those nights where we lay awake. We all cry. We all have doubts. We all hurt. We all feel lost sometimes. That’s me tonight. I’ve been up for about two hours just being a mess emotionally. There’s no one thing wrong either. God’s just dealing with me a lot. He is dealing with me so much. I’m not committing any huge sins in my life currently, I love Him as much as I have ever loved Him. But He is working on me in a very real, heavy and painful way. It’s not fun, I’ll be honest. But tonight I’m reminded of the beauty of His grace.
He has been showing me the ridiculousness of my sinful heart. Just how broken I really am. How broken and messed up and sinful. It’s disgusting. We’re all broken. We’re all disgustingly sinful, and in all honesty, completely okay with wallowing in our sin and brokenness. If His Spirit didn’t push us to move out of this junk that we live in, we would live in it forever and be okay with it.
He still loves me. He’s not walking away from me. He will love me passionately for forever. Through all of my junk. Through all of my issues and all the things I have to deal with and get worked out. He is not giving up on me. He is not giving up on you. Such a beautiful thing.
Tonight I found myself at his throne, pouring my heart out in a way I haven’t done in so long. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve been praying regularly and actively seeking after him, I haven’t been distant from Him. But there is such a difference. We can seek Him, and seek to know Him, and we can be content with where we are. But His constant desire is to bring us closer. And until we are desperate for Him, that doesn’t happen.
I”m not ending this happily, with a nice little conclusion and sense of closure. I don’t have that right now. The truth is that hard things are hard. Painful things hurt. And brokenness is a very real state that we can’t pull ourselves out of easily. But I think it’s important to say that. I think there’s something freeing in saying “I am not okay, I am broken, I am having a hard time.” People need to hear that. But at the same time I want to add “He isn’t done with me, and He isn’t done with you.”
So maybe you are like me tonight, or right now, whenever you read this. I want to say to you that it’s not abnormal to hurt and to be confused. It’s not abnormal to feel messed up, to feel like there is something wrong with you, to feel broken. You are broken. We all are. You are normal. And He loves you. Hard things come, pain can be overwhelming, but He will never leave you. So cling to Him. Take the hurt, take the pain, take the confusion, take the frustration…take it all to the only place that will accept it- His feet, His throne, His open ears, His open arms. No matter how hard it is, He will not give up on you, He will walk with you hand in hand, He will get down on His hands and knees and crawl with you inch by inch if need be.
You are not alone.