Beck Wattier

The Next Twenty Days: #2- In My Dreams

Sep
13

I can push you out of my thoughts when I choose to,

I’ve gained strength in this way

But in my dreams you creep back, every time

When I start to rest,

Subconscious taking over,

There you are,

When I’m unprotected, defenseless,

Bound in sleep, you conquer me there

Say all the things I fear to hear

Take stabs at the fleshiest parts of my heart

I weep,

I am powerless

At times I can’t breath

You chase me, pull me close

In my thoughts I can push you out

In my dreams I cannot turn away

I can’t get away from you here

 

You walked out of my life

When will you leave my dreams?

Coffee Stained Pages Pt. 2

Jan
25

IMG_20150125_184438 (2)There are many places you dream of seeing yourself in your head,

Out of all of them very few will actually ever happen

The ones that do take place are the ones you never dreamed of,

The good and the bad

The unexpected
Adventures get traded for responsibilities,

Big dreams get traded for paying the bills,

School girl crushes and dreams of forever get exchanged for broken hearts and ‘why did you leave me’s?’

Changing the world becomes trying to survive the world that’s changing you

 

Crusted walls begin to form around the once fleshy warm substance of your heart

Is this it?

Is this what we’ve been running towards?

How did we get here?

Lost in a battle you never signed up to fight in

Unaware of what team you’re on or who is on your side or what anyone is fighting for anyway

 

You close your eyes one night on the floor of your parents living room

Dreaming of what your house will look like when you get married and move away,

You wake up to find yourself sitting in the hallway of your very own house asking

‘Where are the grown ups?’

Coffee Stained Pages Pt.1

Nov
24

 

IMG_20141124_113005_029

 

At times there is a heaviness within you that gladness cannot reach

Surrounded by numerous joy filled things, the joy is reflected by this heaviness that has surrounded your heart and anchored your soul

You carry the heaviness in hopes that it will fade

“You will get stronger, just keep going.”

“It will get lighter, just don’t stop.”

But no. It does not, it will not, you cannot.

People see your struggle and reach out.

“Here, here is love, hold it tightly and feel better.”

So you grasp on to love, you squeeze it so tightly and wait for it to sink deep down inside within you

But it does not

There is a heaviness that stands taller, stronger

The thickness of this heaviness allows for no love to come thru

You feel warm on the outside but the cold remains within.

 

 

Sometimes your spirit is so heavy within you, you say to it, “I cannot carry you around.”

So you leave it to carry itself

And you leave yourself

And you become something other

Something not yourself

“Emmanuel”

Dec
20

Meant For More (Spoken Word Video)

Nov
25

This is the first spoken word piece I shared almost two years ago. Enjoy!

(Tip: Hit CC (Closed Caption) at the bottom of the video and it will show the words on the screen as it plays!)

Hear more audio at www.soundcloud.com/RebeccaMWattier

That’s Just How It Is

Aug
19

This is a eulogy that has taken me three years to write
This is the first handful of dirt tossed onto a coffin containing what once was
I still tap my eggs twice before I crack them,
I automatically listen to the last song on an album first
And my dance moves, well, they’re still imitations of the ones you taught me
Every time someone compliments my taste in music I laugh because they have no idea that you taught me how to find the rarest bands and appreciate the strangest sounds

People say to guard your heart, and that means a hundred different things
Today there is a little empty place in my heart that has become full
It’s no longer filled with the void of where you were,
It’s become full of the joy of having known someone beautiful
I will never regret letting you in
You’re a part of the person that I am
I don’t know if that’s how it’s supposed to be,
That’s just how it is.

Invisible

Jul
04

You see this body
You hear these words
You know this person
But not me
I’m in here
Hidden beneath the surface
Kept inside of this cage we call flesh
Invisible

I Am Waiting

May
31
I am waiting,
Cause there is nothing else to do,
Everything I am and have, 
I hand it up to You
So will you take me?
You say that You make all things new,
Well I’m torn apart and bleeding,
So tell me, is it true?
Can You heal me?
Can you take this mess I’m in?
Can you fix this?
Will I ever smile again?
My heart is heavy,
And my eyes cannot see light,
Is morning ever coming?
Is there an end to this dark night?
My thoughts are racing,
And I do not understand
How painful things can somehow have a purpose in Your plan
But I will trust You,
You are faithful,
You are good
I asked You not to leave me,
And You swore You never would
So I will wait here
I’ll stand my ground and wait for You
You are my God,
And all Your promises stand true
Yes, I will trust You
I’ll cling to truth and fight off lies
Because no matter how it seems I’m being watched by sovereign eyes
Come quickly,
Wrap me tight in Your embrace
Wipe my tears,
And let me gaze upon Your face
My highest treasure,
You hold my heart,
You hold my hand,
And You will finish what you start
So I am waiting
 
 
 

Things As They Seem

May
21
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There will be days where it seems like everyone has left.
You will feel completely and totally alone.
You will feel your aloneness so intensely, you will start to feel yourself separating from planet earth and beginning to float away.
You will want to cry out but as you begin to, you realize that no one is listening.
You can see them, all of them, from the air, getting smaller by the second as you rise a little higher. They are running around, busy, involved and invested in very serious things that can’t wait.
You know if you don’t cry out now, you will be far out of range for anyone to hear and all hope will be lost, but you keep quiet. You keep quiet for a few more seconds, accepting your fate and preparing for whatever is about to happen next.But you can’t. They’re right there! Maybe if they knew they could help. If you could just get them to look up, surely they would see you! So you try to speak up, but no words come out.
Maybe it’s the change in the atmosphere around you or maybe some other invisible force is holding you back.
Besides, as reality sets in you realize you are too far gone for any of them to help you. To cry out now would be to make a spectacle of yourself…”Hey, I’m in trouble here but no one can help so just gather round and watch how it’s all going to fall apart!” So you resign yourself to floating.At least this way no one will know.
At least this way no one will see you in this condition.
Maybe this will end quickly.
Maybe you will hit something that will stop you.
Maybe it’s not so bad as it first seemed.
Maybe it’s better this way.You start to get comfortable.
Darkness sets in and you grow cold.
You feel less, but it’s easier that way.
You stop fighting.
Your eyes get heavy.
Every blink lasts a little bit longer.
You take a deep breath, in and out.
In, and out.
In and…-that moment when your lungs are as full as they can get something inside you snaps: No.

No!

Arms and legs flailing, eyes jolted open, you realize that this is not okay.
You cannot resign and give up, you will not go out without a fight.
So you scream. You scream with everything you have just hoping that maybe you’re still close enough for someone to hear.
Just maybe they can still see you and just maybe they will be willing to reach out and pull you back in.
You scream until your very soul seems to be shaken.

And then, you feel someone’s hand on your shoulder and you jump.

You feel another hand on your arm and you realize your eyes are shut.

You open them and to your amazement you are on the ground and surrounded by hundreds of people all staring straight at you with wondering eyes.

“Are you alright?”
“Do you need help?”

There will be days when it seems like everyone has left.
You will feel completely and totally alone.
You will feel your aloneness so intensely- but things are not always as they seem.Cry out.
Open your eyes.
Realize you’re surrounded.

Dodging Apathy

May
07

Will you accept my honesty,
When there’s nothing here but apathy?
When this heart is cold and hard,
When my sin has carried me so far?
When the pressure and weight of my own control has taken my passion and drained my soul?
When I’m tired and broken, confused and worn out,
Will you save me again?
Will you pull me from doubt?
I do what I don’t want and what I want I can’t achieve,
I want to say I want you, but even in that I feel decieved.
I think about these words all day, they’re here, relentlessly.
Let’s stop playing, I’ll drop the mask, this is the real me:

I’m tired of broken and depraved people having more effect on me than the One who gave his life so that I could know him.
I’m tired of wallowing in my sin and my shame and these emotions that say they have control.
My chains are gone, I have been set free. Nothing holds power over me anymore.
And yet I sit, with the shackles of bondage and slavery now broken but still resting on my ankles, waiting to be shaken off.

I sit, because “it’s too hard” and “no one understands” and “I’m tired”.
And although you hung off a tree, held up by only the spikes driven through your flesh…I can’t find the motivation to shake off these shackles that your blood crushed loose and step out of this mess I find myself in.
I’m tired of myself, but not tired enough to change.
I’d rather sit in my apathy and my moaning and my sin.
“It’s so hard.” “Why am I this way?” “I don’t know what to do.” “I just don’t understand.”
There are a million other words I can continue to say to make myself feel the pain and fear and heaviness of the spot I’m in.
And as silly as it sounds, as bad as pain and fear and heaviness are, they are familiar. And familiar is comfortable.
And so I sit.

The truth is there are many unknowns and a lot of those unknowns will be unknowns for the rest of this life.
The equal truth is there are a few knowns that override every possible unknown, and for the life of me I don’t know why I can’t stay focused on those.

You are sovereign.
You are good.
You love me.
You are the only thing that remains eternally stable and unchanged.
You are the only thing worth investing my whole self into.
You are the answer, in every situation, even when there is no answer to the situation.
You are peace, you are joy, you are every good thing.

But my wandering heart, and my restless flesh,
My thoughts that entertain a million other things than the One that can quiet them all,
They are ruthless, they chase after me in an endless pursuit.
And I’m tired.