Beck Wattier

Dodging Apathy


Will you accept my honesty,
When there’s nothing here but apathy?
When this heart is cold and hard,
When my sin has carried me so far?
When the pressure and weight of my own control has taken my passion and drained my soul?
When I’m tired and broken, confused and worn out,
Will you save me again?
Will you pull me from doubt?
I do what I don’t want and what I want I can’t achieve,
I want to say I want you, but even in that I feel decieved.
I think about these words all day, they’re here, relentlessly.
Let’s stop playing, I’ll drop the mask, this is the real me:

I’m tired of broken and depraved people having more effect on me than the One who gave his life so that I could know him.
I’m tired of wallowing in my sin and my shame and these emotions that say they have control.
My chains are gone, I have been set free. Nothing holds power over me anymore.
And yet I sit, with the shackles of bondage and slavery now broken but still resting on my ankles, waiting to be shaken off.

I sit, because “it’s too hard” and “no one understands” and “I’m tired”.
And although you hung off a tree, held up by only the spikes driven through your flesh…I can’t find the motivation to shake off these shackles that your blood crushed loose and step out of this mess I find myself in.
I’m tired of myself, but not tired enough to change.
I’d rather sit in my apathy and my moaning and my sin.
“It’s so hard.” “Why am I this way?” “I don’t know what to do.” “I just don’t understand.”
There are a million other words I can continue to say to make myself feel the pain and fear and heaviness of the spot I’m in.
And as silly as it sounds, as bad as pain and fear and heaviness are, they are familiar. And familiar is comfortable.
And so I sit.

The truth is there are many unknowns and a lot of those unknowns will be unknowns for the rest of this life.
The equal truth is there are a few knowns that override every possible unknown, and for the life of me I don’t know why I can’t stay focused on those.

You are sovereign.
You are good.
You love me.
You are the only thing that remains eternally stable and unchanged.
You are the only thing worth investing my whole self into.
You are the answer, in every situation, even when there is no answer to the situation.
You are peace, you are joy, you are every good thing.

But my wandering heart, and my restless flesh,
My thoughts that entertain a million other things than the One that can quiet them all,
They are ruthless, they chase after me in an endless pursuit.
And I’m tired.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

%d bloggers like this: