I Am Tired of Learning
I don’t generally post things to get a response, or to get a ton of comments. I generally write about what I’m going through and what I’m learning, and it never fails that one person or a few people read it and are encouraged because they too are human and deal with these things. So here you go:
I am absolutely tired of learning.
I want to grow closer to God and I want to be more Christlike. I pray for these things all the time. But I am tired. There is always a lesson being learned, always a challenge in front of me, always something that forces me to be stretched. And that’s great. But I’m tired. Maybe it’s because when I learn something I actually want to apply it. To actually LEARN it and not just UNDERSTAND the concept. That seems like something no one gets these days.
I don’t say this in a frustrated tone, or in a complaining tone. I am very thankful for the things He has allowed me to endure and get through, and for the wisdom I have gained along the way. I’m just tired.
I feel like the flesh has been ripped off from my chest and He is poking and prodding at the very deepest most sensitive places inside of me. I am learning that every time things are so hard that I don’t want to keep going, I have to give it to Him. Every time I start worrying about finances, I have to give it to Him. Every time I feel angry because everyone else has money to buy new clothes and be social on the weekends, I have to give that to Him. Every time my pride starts to swell up and I feel angry because other people get recognition for very little things while I am investing all I have behind the scenes, I have to stop and give that to Him. Every time I am absolutely exhausted and cannot push myself anymore, I give that to Him. Every time my emotions and feelings are trying to take over, I have to give it to Him. Every time I have to let go of something very close to me or someone very special to me just because He says so, I give that pain and confusion to Him. Every time someone does something that hurts me and gets to walk away from it, I have to stop and give it over to Him. To be used by Him, for His purpose, and His glory.
He is doing some major work in my life, shaping, molding, teaching, changing. Incredible amounts of growth and progress. But it hurts. It’s hard. It’s not fun.
So maybe you feel one or two or many of those things. I don’t have an answer for you. I can’t tell you how to make it better. I can tell you to hang on. Because of all the things that I don’t know and can’t tell you, I do know and can tell you that He is faithful. In the good, in the bad, He is faithful, He is able, He is sovereign.
No matter what He asks, we can always hold to the fact that He is worth it.