We’ve all seen or heard the ‘Footprints’ story, haven’t we? There is one pair of footprints along a stretch of beach, and to make the story short- the man asks God why He left him alone and God responds ‘those are my footprints, I’ve been carrying you.’
The moral of this story is supposed to be that when we feel most alone, that’s when God is most with us. He carries us through our rough times.
Most of us would agree with these statements on most days. I would confidently encourage you with these words on most days. But I can’t write about them like that today.
We say that even on the days when we can’t see God at work or feel His hands on us, they’re still there.
We say that even when it seems like our world is falling apart, He is still totally in control.
We say that every detail has to go through His hands first, so every detail must have a purpose in His plan.
We say we can find comfort in that.
Today I don’t.
Today I don’t see Him.
Today I don’t feel Him.
Today I don’t want to.
Today, the thought that all of my circumstances have passed through His hands and He didn’t stop one of them makes me very angry.
Today there is fear in my heart that I have trusted too much.
Today there is hurt. I simply do not understand. The one person who can bring me comfort seems to be the one allowing the pain.
I debated over these words for a long time because the bigger this platform of mine gets and the more people who have begun to tune in to my words, the more responsibility I feel to make sure my words are worth tuning in to. I don’t want to lead anyone into doubt. In fact, I hope that my words will help doubting people find answers. I’ve been thinking a lot on how to do that. I want to point people towards the truth. But can I be real? I don’t always know what the truth is. Can I be realer? Sometimes life gets me so down that I don’t even care to try to figure it out.
I’m not giving up, I’m not walking away, but things are not okay.
This life is still His to do whatever He wants with, but today I am struggling to feel love for Him.
More than my desire to help people find answers, is my desire to create a safe place for people to wrestle with their doubts. The answers always come, but the wrestling can be brutal.
I’ve been wrestling this week, and it’s been brutal. No one should wrestle alone.
I can’t point you anywhere today, because I’m stuck myself and I don’t know which way is up. But I can tell you you’re probably not alone, even though I myself am having a hard time feeling not alone. I can’t in good conscience share the high points and not share some of the lows. It’s way too easy to create an online presence that is everything I wish I was and not enough of real life. This is a part of my real life. Some days are full of fear and doubt. Some days I just don’t know.
Can you relate?