Beck Wattier

Footprints In The Sand

Dec
27

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We’ve all seen or heard the ‘Footprints’ story, haven’t we? There is one pair of footprints along a stretch of beach, and to make the story short- the man asks God why He left him alone and God responds ‘those are my footprints, I’ve been carrying you.’

The moral of this story is supposed to be that when we feel most alone, that’s when God is most with us. He carries us through our rough times.

Most of us would agree with these statements on most days. I would confidently encourage you with these words on most days. But I can’t write about them like that today.

We say that even on the days when we can’t see God at work or feel His hands on us, they’re still there.

We say that even when it seems like our world is falling apart, He is still totally in control.

We say that every detail has to go through His hands first, so every detail must have a purpose in His plan.

We say we can find comfort in that.

Today I don’t.

Today I don’t see Him.
Today I don’t feel Him.
Today I don’t want to.
Today, the thought that all of my circumstances have passed through His hands and He didn’t stop one of them makes me very angry.
Today there is fear in my heart that I have trusted too much.
Today there is hurt. I simply do not understand. The one person who can bring me comfort seems to be the one allowing the pain.

I debated over these words for a long time because the bigger this platform of mine gets and the more people who have begun to tune in to my words, the more responsibility I feel to make sure my words are worth tuning in to. I don’t want to lead anyone into doubt. In fact, I hope that my words will help doubting people find answers. I’ve been thinking a lot on how to do that. I want to point people towards the truth. But can I be real? I don’t always know what the truth is. Can I be realer? Sometimes life gets me so down that I don’t even care to try to figure it out.

I’m not giving up, I’m not walking away, but things are not okay.

This life is still His to do whatever He wants with, but today I am struggling to feel love for Him.

More than my desire to help people find answers, is my desire to create a safe place for people to wrestle with their doubts. The answers always come, but the wrestling can be brutal.

I’ve been wrestling this week, and it’s been brutal. No one should wrestle alone.

I can’t point you anywhere today, because I’m stuck myself and I don’t know which way is up. But I can tell you you’re probably not alone, even though I myself am having a hard time feeling not alone. I can’t in good conscience share the high points and not share some of the lows. It’s way too easy to create an online presence that is everything I wish I was and not enough of real life. This is a part of my real life. Some days are full of fear and doubt. Some days I just don’t know.

Can you relate?

I Don’t Know, But I Know I Need You

Dec
04

TMertonStudyThomas Merton (1915-1968) has become widely recognized as an important 20th century thinker.

He was a Catholic priest, a mystic, a poet, heavily involved in social activism, and a Trapist Monk. He authored over seventy books before his death and wrote on spirituality, social justice, peace, and the practices of prayer and solitude. I hope to post in the future with more details of his life and the things I have gleaned from him. His thoughts and words have influenced me greatly, because of that, I wanted to share this prayer he journaled. It has brought me great peace when I have found myself doubting and has (on more than one occasion) given me the words I needed to say what I didn’t know how to express.

“My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going, I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end. Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But, I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. I know that if I do this, you will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it. Therefore, I will trust you always, though I may seem to be lost and in the shadows of death. I will not fear. For you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.”

I think we often wait until we have the perfect words to approach God with our problems, thoughts, and feelings. We almost want to have it figured out and have a plan in place, eventually presenting it to God as an update to what we are doing with our life instead of a seeking after His guidance. I think it is okay, and even beneficial, to go to God and simply say ‘I don’t know, but I know I need you.’

He is always waiting and faithful to hear.