Beck Wattier

The Next Twenty Days: #1- Missing Words and Blurry Lines

Sep
12

I have had a lot on my mind for quite some time. So much so that putting any of it to words seems overwhelming. But if it doesn’t go out it stays in. How much can be held within, and for how long? At times lately I become more aware of the pressure. All of a sudden it hits me, and I feel a burning inside of my chest. It’s like this big ball of jumbled things is on fire and it’s about to come out, but it’s going to come out after it bursts thru my heart and cracks my ribs and tears my skin.

I’m growing a lot lately. It hurts, and it’s good. I can’t put words to it all yet and maybe I will never find them, but I have a hunch I will. One day. Looking back. I can feel it now. I can see it in some ways even. Though the lines are still blurry and distorted, I can tell they are there. There is a picture that is being formed. I can’t tell what it will look like but I can tell that it exists. I find hope.

I have to write an email today. I’ve been putting it off. I know what needs to be said but I don’t know what words must be written. Or how many. I feel ill-equipped. And just plain ill. Words change meaning depending on who uses them. If you don’t know the speaker, will you ever really understand the message?

I haven’t found the answers. I don’t have all the words. But the words will come. Some I will find, and some will find me. They always do.

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